Here’s how it went down: My sister called last Sunday, asking if I really was advising people they could get free ipads just by clicking on a link I’d put up on my homepage? My spiel started, ‘HEY!’ Right away I knew it couldn’t be me, starting a sentence with horse feed.
Being deep into getting the Poet Laureate blog right, I wanted to ignore it. Nothing much had happened other than someone had hacked into my account and sent an ungrammatical message, ostensibly from me. Which meant they’d probably gotten my password.
I went to the ‘Help’ site and told Facebook. “This only concerns ‘a very few members,’ Facebook said, barely supressing a yawn. What?? I wanted outrage! Vows to track down my account hackers and delete them back to their BONES! Whose side was FB on??
Several ‘friends’ immediately wrote saying they knew it wasn’t me, thank heavens. The hackers even had me saying, ‘gonna,’ in the message. Me?? Instead of ‘going to.’ What sort of education does THAT imply? I posted notices on my profile and home pages but other messages coming in rapidly moved them down to the bottom.
Several phone calls later, my sister made me promise to get a new e-mail address. Problem was, I’d just GOTTEN a new e-mail address the previous week.
Also I was probably ripe for it. I had been leaving my 3, 400 ‘friends’ just sitting around tapping their toes and drumming their fingers out of sheer boredom. I’d only know maybe 22 of them, all told, if I met them in the street or had to pick them out of a lineup. My nice plump juicy account was languishing.
So I am probably going to tell them all adios, sadly sweeps the raincloud ore the cliff and aloha ah! I set up another site with a sunflower, then went and friended myself. Facebook then said the two of me had one friend (me) in common.
Very glad to have shared the Facebook experience with my times. I’m not leaving, just moving, along with a few actual friends and some family (however they behave). Now I must tell the 3400 the sad news. Some I will be contacting for the very first time. For at least one friend, I am their only. Need to sort that.
In the meantime, The phishers are out there, trolling in the waters of our ignorance.

I’m NOT on Facebook to be sold stuff! What? Do they think this is the SHOPPING CHANNEL?? I had a ‘friend’ whose name was always trailed by the words – ‘author of –(and then her genre label) but NOW she’s added the words ‘& PUBLIC FIGURE’ to that. It’s like adding, ‘Super genius,’ something out of Pinky & The Brain.

NO, no, no, no. No one can give THEMSELVES that kind of credential. Okay, maybe an actual reviewer said it. But that doesn’t mean you can pass it on while wearing a custom-made hat big enough to fit your new head. If you do, everyone thinks, ‘Great Big Inflated Ego to match’. Now I’ll have to go get one of her books to see if she even deserves the name of writer…

What’s the real harm? You, the ‘author’ becoming a cardboard self that can be bought and sold. Plus of course this heavy-handed marketing doesn’t leave any room for the personal touch. All this ‘author’s ever posted on FB is something about BUYING her stuff. You get the feeling a robot has been dressed up and trotted out for publicity and there’s nothing underneath but metal. How can this be avoided when you get a book published? Stay real & witty. Share your REAL life, don’t just try to haul in ‘customers.’ Acknowledge other writers. Keep it human & humble. Watch out. There’s a stinger in that flower of fame!

Facebook is certainly an enabler of bad family dynamics. Nephews and nieces I have never met seem to be spiraling out of control. Married and espousing belief systems that should come with warning signs or dating and having their hearts broken and spewing it all out on Facebook. None of this was ever possible in the slow old days of snail mail, when a letter took forever to arrive.

If one member of the family isn’t responding, everyone piles onto their Facebook page to ask what’s up, study their huge collection of photos for some clue as to their state of mind and what they could be up to, pokes their spouse for why their messages have so far gone unheeded, discussing among themselves why the lack of closeness and what all this portends.

Anyone who is innocently on Facebook and not thinking about what is going on behind the scenes to such a degree that entire operatic dramas are being written including an ominous musical score – anyone who doesn’t know this is everyday routine for all participants who view Facebook as a godsend for meddlers – well, they haven’t thought this whole thing through.

In that sense, those who simply stick to gifting everyone with non-existent flowers and pets probably have the right idea. At least they’re keeping things to themselves that were always private before Facebook.

Sometimes I think we’re going to switch over from B.C. (Before Christ) and A.D. (After Death) to B.F.B. (Before Facebook) and A.F.B. (After Facebook). How easy is it NOW to keep stuff from Mom if she’s online and nosy???

I thank my lucky stars that Facebook didn’t exist when I was hoarding my doings among my sisters who were only occasionally chatty on the phone to her. How tricky parenting is now.

Pitfalls are growing. Every profile brings a question with it. I’m getting used to some of these now. If you push IGNORE rather than ADD AS FRIEND, this line pops up immediately: YOU HAVE IGNORED A FRIEND REQUEST FROM —- REPORT THEM FOR ABUSE OR SPAM OR MARK THAT YOU DON’T KNOW THEM!

Shades of Farehheit 451! I’ve been reminded of Ray Bradbury’s great book countless times since I went on Facebook. He couldn’t have realized how prophetic it was.

Just because you ignored a profile, possibly because you thought it somewhat offensive, or more likely, you have quite enough friends or because you knew the person behind it wasn’t the person pictured (if they were, Facebook is peopled with an AWFUL lot of cats…), there seems vey seldom to be a reason to ‘Report Them For ABUSE.’ For sure this immediately trivializes ‘abuse.’

So you start scrolling down the 199 faces, asking yourself all the questions: 1) Do you know this person in real life? 2) Are they really someone famous (like Mike Nicol? whom I get offered a lot – or is the name ALMOST like the famous one – Mike Nicols?)

3) If the person has AUTHOR in their name, so as to self-promote, are they self-published? Is that their name on the teeny-tiny book cover they have used instead of a face? Are they, from the cover picture, one of these proselytizing ‘christians?’ and will you forever after get unwanted religious messages till you hunt them down and unfriend them?

For awhile, yes, I WAS friending authors, thinking they might engage in rich and lovely talk which would be both enlightening and uplifting but they do that no more than any other ‘friends.’

An hour later, I am strill scrolling down, talking amongst myself and trying to decide. 4) Is that picture provocative on purpose? Why is Pat Brown’s profile picture a yellow fish? Does Jebozid Zidojeb have that as a REAL name or does he mean to refer to the film?

So many of the profile pics are clever. Is there a company doing this professionally for individuals? I wouldn’t be surprised. 5) Do all the ones using pictures of large families including children, really mean to let you know, I’M MARRIED, I’M MARRIED, so that little old homewrecker you will back off? How hard must it be to have a significant other scrolling down his 199 new friends list, thinking he might hit on this one or that one, despite all his choices turning out to be ex-cons out on bail from Saskatchewan joints? (This is true).

How great is it to have a husband who isn’t on Facebook or for that matter, the net?

Someone’s profile says we have 668 MUTUAL FRIENDS? Oh my goodness and I STILL don’t plan on friending them. How could we just be missing each other in the world outside these sterile pages. Elizabeth Hunt Reville lists herself as AUTHOR/POET as though the two were mutually exclusive. Funny. I thought poets with books WERE authors although certainly authors are not all poets. But still… I don’t friend.

Looking forward, I can see I have 72 EVENT INVITES, none of which give their geographical locations. Whatta big help THAT is!!
Afterwards there is a long list of stuff I can ‘like.’ Not love, no passion here but just the tepid, ‘its-okay-i-suppose-i-LIKE-it-since-i-don’t-actively-HATE-it… Duh for certain.

The dregs, at the very end, are from ‘Farmville,’ all non-existent animals, properties, tools, gifts, poker games from those bereft of anything original or something of their own to say or do or think.
These are always the saddest and ignore is the quickest way to deal, keeping the fingers firmly on that IGNORE button lest it slide over to even one CONFIRM, which will doom you forever to further requests.

Facebook is the sort of Gift to Government, keeping the people safe, quiet and busy. If it didn’t exist, they would have to invent it.

Again, the more friends you have, the more will be foisted upon you. If you want to collect friends fast, type in names aimlessly, then friend them when their site comes up, friend all their friends by clicking on them, friend everybody else of that same name. Do this just a few times and you will be more full up with friends than a happy meal.

I’ve used various methods: picking the ones with outstanding profile pictures, which I still do now and again so its worth working on that angle. I am still chosing writers and writer organizations and puiblishers, duh. But I am being so very choosy now that I’m closing in on 4000. I think the middle number is fine. The other day I went through and deleted this one and that one from whom I had not heard, hoping their feelings weren’t hurt or that I wasn’t their only friend.

Which has happened. I friended a fellow because I liked the way the syllables in his name rolled off the tongue. He was from another country, his picture looked okay and I thought, why not, since at that time I was collecting one from this country and one from that.

AFTER I’d friended him, I thought well maybe I’d better check his site. And of course, I was his only. Now maybe he was just new on FB and would be soon zooming up to more. But maybe he wasn’t. And maybe, being from a much in the news part of the world, he might be an idealist and seek to liberate something or other by violence and when he got investigated, whom should they see as his close, personal and only friend – well, ME!

This kind of stuff is fear and I won’t give in to it. I thought of sharing this message with him but then, if he DID get into trouble, there’d be a record of us corresponding. This is the sort of thinking that people didn’t engage in, not because of 911 but because of Homeland Security and No Fly Lists. (With all my family south of the border).

Still I couldn’t bring myself to unfriend him just in case I’m it, his only, and NOW of course, I can’t remember his lovely name so I can go check. Arghhh. O I can go all through my nearly 4000 friends list and try to see which name rolls delightfully around on the tongue and maybe there will only be a few. Maybe.

So having all these friends has its share of difficulties. Not to mention the 87 event invitations. Going down the lsit clicking, ‘No, no, no, no…’ to great things happening in Minnesota, New York, California, Wales… These things are sent out to the friend lists wherever they are located geographically. So another downside to lots and lots of FB buddies is having to wear out the ‘n’ and ‘o’ keys on your computer.

I am hoping to encounter some geat poems on the business of unfriending as well as the computer as handshake, as ‘Hi, there,’ as a depository for lies.

Just hid a message from someone who says she is ‘into Christian music,’ and asks ‘why should the devil have all the good songs?’ This implyed that she must’ve been listening to music that didn’t belong to God at some point. How odd. That all the songs in the whole world just divide into those two categories? And how do they TELL which ones belong to the devil? I doubt he has a copyrite.

The comment seemed to be full of fear and smugness. Surely music comes to us from the creator and all aspects of it are someones expression. It is hard to see where this personal devil infests the song after. Country-western is played in bars but I wouldn’t say any of it is from the devil.

I can’t help but feel that this, ‘MY music’s Christian’ kind of talk means that the songwriter is a bit afraid of letting his music go up against the tunes of the real world. Or her music. If the creator and his works are mentioned in the song, they’re called hymns so that can’t be the key.

Everyone’s looking for a good song, all the time, everyday. A great many people are constantly plugged in. Yet there don’t seem to be warnings on any of these albums, that the devil has all the good tunes. So if it’s really great, you know who it belongs to.

What it says is that someone’s world is way, way, way, too narrow. Can you spell, ‘brainwashed?’ But there was a time when I didn’t use my good brain either. EVen now, when I’m out there friending away without checking out their site.

Don’t be in a hurry and don’t believe everything you read on FB. Especially if its implying an intimate knowledge of what the devil owns.

Which brings me to the comics I download every morning. One of those great discoveries. My husband and I get 6 daily papers – Toronto Star, Globe & Mail, National Post, Toronto Sun, Ottawa Citizen and Kingston Whig Standard. All of them renew their comic pages annually and drop whichever ones they’ve had complaints about or where they think readership is falling off. Only the Globe seems at all responsive to readership demands.

So we were forced to go without strips we adored, like Bo Grace’s Pirhanna Club, Kieran Meehan’s Pros & Cons, Popeye, Aaron McGruder’s Boondocks, ( which seems to annoy everyone), On The Fastrack (which we’d last seen when the now working woman was first born),
plus some hilarious new ones like Neurotica by Big Al The Gal, Jeff Millar & Bill Hinds, Tank McNarmara (which we’d only gotten briefly), Pab Sungenis’s New Adventures Of Queen Victoria which deserves an AWARD for his brilliant satire of the current British parliamentary elections!,

Both of the McCoy cartoons, (the always hilarious DUPLEX and with his brother, The Flying McCoys – last week’s panel had a belligerant clam (how can you tell?) – saying to another clam: “Oh yeah? I’ll see you in small CLAMS court!”), of course Nicole Hollander’s Sylvia, Jim Scancarelli’s Gasoline Alley (who has aged his characters so much that you’re afraid they’ll fall down and shatter inside the panels), Good old, Stone Soup by Jan Eliot, Heart of the City, which the Sun lost which really was their loss, by Mark Tatullii (both characters now imprisoned in a chalk pavement drawing and being chased by the creatures they had previously drawn – always great stuff,

Jennifer Babcock’s C’est la Vie which is at the forefront of modern comic scripting and so brilliant),

Okay I get carried away when I discuss the comics. And I’m not half done. Plus there’s all the great comics still mostly full pages daily in the 6 papers we read, though the National Post has dropped theirs after introducing us at least to that hallowed Canadian historical comic, Kate Beaton. Her series on philosophers, especially Kierkegaard are unparallelled.

I guess I’m going to have to blog about comics right through the weekend and figure out how to erase some of my categories so as to put it in. (I’ve got too many).

At any rate, we used to write anguished letters, yearly, to each of our dailies, pleading with them not to drop this comic or that one and seeing them go anyway and mourning their demise, (my husband especially grieved for Bo Grace) and NOW thanks to the miracle of the net and relatively cheap toner and printer paper, every single morning they’re BACK!

I begged relatives to always wrap gifts in their Sunday funnies, begged to have them cut out & include whatever their local paper offered that day whenever they wrote (tho they paid NO attention) and suddenly, VOILA! all the comics we’ve ever wanted. And more. My husband today suggested I not add the pipesmoking Mark Trail to the list although he is evidently for neutering pets…

Right now we are members of Daily Ink (where you can get Pros & Cons & Pirhanna Club) and My Comics(which is also Go Comics) (where we get the bulk of our selections tho there are lots, lots, more.

I’m also a member of Comics.com but they seem to have so many right wing strips that I just tend to read them online rather than print out. My husband wants me to unsubscribe them entirely as he doesn’t wish us to be adding to their numbers. They have quite a bit of antiObama going and some sludgy thinking.

More on this the next few days.